As the wife of a Biblical counselor (or soon-to-be Biblical counselor), I have seen this played out in my own life many times. I have been David's "guinea pig" on many occasions and, being that I am full of one sin struggle after another, it works well for both of us.
During the greater portion of 2007, I very much struggled with anxiety. Scratch that. The word anxiety doesn't do justice to my particular sin. I was paralyzed by panic. Panic was my life. A medical doctor would have, in the matter of minutes, diagnosed me with panic disorder. In fact, many did.
What did anxiety look like for me? I know, for many, it is an occasional worry about how the bills will get paid or the fear of the possible outcome of a medical test. My goal is not to downplay the seriousness of those cases of anxiety. Jesus commands us not to worry about anything in Matthew 6. He says:
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
Anxiety for me, however, looked quite a bit different. My anxiety was almost always linked to my health. What I believe happened (and still happens) is that as I get older and have more children and become increasingly more fatigued and burdened, my health is not as superior as it once was. I get headaches. My heart skips beats rather frequently. I get shooting pains throughout my body and that frightens me. It is very humbling and rather humiliating to share all these details (as it makes me feel like a whack job), but I think it's necessary and helps others to understand how deep and intense an effect anxiety can have on someone. I began to think I was dying. Anxiety crippled me. It was debilitating. I was unable to care for my children. To say it made life difficult for my husband would be the ultimate understatement.
There was a point where David considered quitting his job to give me the help I needed.What a blessing and gift it was to have my husband as a shepherd. He asked many questions. Hard questions. The Holy Spirit probed my heart in ways I didn't know were possible. This was my dark night of the soul- and I didn't like it. God had a plan, however. He was working to do for me what He had promised in Romans 8:28-29:
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."
The goal was to determine, after my medical doctors found me to be completely healthy, the source of my anxiety. Yes, it could have been hormonal. I was post-partum when I began to have panic attacks. I don't deny that. In my case, however, the sin went deeper. Pastor Mark Driscoll says, in most cases: "Anxiety is not a disease that needs to be cured. It is a sin that needs to be repented of."
After months and months of probing, the causes of my anxiety began to surface.
- Control. I wanted control. Instead of God reigning as sovereign, it was my goal to reign sovereign over my own life. Control was an idol for me.
- Demonic influence. It is my belief that a Christian cannot be demonically possessed. I do believe, however, that a Christian can be demonically influenced. No- denoms are not omniscient. Neither am I. I would argue, however, that I could figure a person out (i.e. their fears and sin struggles) were I given time to study that person. A demon works in the same way. Jesus was tempted by Satan. Yes, his temptation was external as He was free from original sin. I am tempted externally and internally. Why, then, would I be exempt from that same tempting?
There was a sense of freedom in finally having some answers, but it was short-lived. Knowledge without action is useless. I did not repent. I did not want to surrender. I refused to surrender. I can easily remember times that I sat weeping in our large, rather empty, dark house on top of a mesa in New Mexico. If I were a writer, I would argue that that home was extremely symbolic (or would it be metaphorical?) of this dark, cold, lonely time in my life. I wept to God. I cursed. I screamed. I asked why for a while, but as time passed why didn't seem so important. I knew why but I was mad about it. I knew there were many people in the world who were suffering through much worse things than I was but, at the time, that seemed irrelevant. From time to time I would laugh because I would recall times that I had come into contact with a worrisome or depressed person and had thought to myself : "Just get over it. Don't be depressed. Don't be anxious. Make the conscious choice to snap out of it." Ha! If only it were that easily.
I remember a specific night that was a turning point. It was totally pivotal and I can't explain why. I think I had fought with God long enough. I was weak. I was very bruised. I had nothing left within me to put up a fight. I was done. David was fearful. He was on the phone with a friend who had walked with me through this from the beginning and had spoken truth into my life- even when it infuriated me.
And then something happened. There was a precious calmness that overcame me. Words of confession began to pour from my lips (it was vocal- loud and barely discernable, if I my memory serves me correctly) and I experienced the freedom that comes from genuine repentance. I experienced true brokenness and it was beautiful and dear to me. I had pretended to repent in the past, but it wasn't true repentance. I realized that those "confessions" had simply been pleas to make it all "go away." My repentance was conditional upon God's promise to make it stop. Finally, I realized, that wasn't the issue. I may continue to feel like I'm dying. (I still do from time to time, by the way.) I may still be tempted to fear or be overcome with worry. (I am.)
Dying wasn't really the issue. Mandy wanted to be God. At least of her own world. God, in His knowledge that I will never wrap my mind around, knew what He had to do to get my attention. He allowed me to go into that dark season of my life. I don't think it made Him happy to see His child go through that kind of purging nor do I believe He delights in our despair. There is an arsenal of verses that comforted me during that time and continue to comfort me even now. I'd love to share one of them:
1 Peter 5:6-11
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen."
Where do I even begin with the promises contained in this small portion of scripture?
- God cares for His children.
- Others suffer.
- Heaven.
- Restoration.
- Confirmation.
- Strength.
- Establishment.
My testimony is solid. It is unchanging. And I love to tell others:
"If you had told me what that season of my life would do to me, how it would rip me apart, expose the sinful mess that is me...If you had told me how I would cry, how I would question God and His character, how I would hurt, how I would suffer, I would have ran as far away from it as possible. But now, knowing what I know, having become more like Jesus than I ever knew was possible. Would I change one minute of it? The answer: an emphatic NO."
Why?
"All glory goes to God. I had heard God was faithful, but now I know He is faithful. I had heard of His peace, but now I know His peace. I had, yes, heard of His discipline, but now I have experienced His discipline. Now I get to share His holiness."
"And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? 'My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.' It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12: 5-11
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